I Thought I Was Stonger-Trevor

So far most of my blog posts have been about traveling, fun experiences, and just India in general.  Although it’s much easier to write about holidays or the amazing curry I ate last night I thought I would open up and be honest about some of my emotional journey, so here it goes.

I remember those first few weeks.  Each day seemed like a week in fact.  I never thought I would feel the way I did.  I had been to Malawi, Namibia, and Malaysia all on mission trips, lived in a dorm for four years in high school away from my parents.  I’m a strong, independent kid I thought.  Living in India would just be another adventure full of fun times right?  Yes and no.

I remember the moments where I stopped missing home or even thinking about going home were few and far between. Even when I was playing volleyball or talking with people, most of my brain was struggling to stop thinking about how I didn’t think I could do this.  I had heard of student missionaries having horrible years and all I could think of was, “I’m going to have 7 months of this!!!???”  That thought was overwhelming.

I found myself during those first few weeks shutting off from the experiences around me.  I felt tense, alone, vulnerable, and weak.  The things keeping me in India included how much planning I had put into the trip, the donations of friends and family, not wanting to give up, and Sidney and Brooke.  I WANT TO BE HAPPY I kept telling myself.   I want to laugh until it hurts and not just put on a fake smile and pretend it is all okay.

It has been over a month and a half since we spent our first night here in India.  I’m reading Blue Like Jazz and the author talks about how one of his most painful experiences was realizing has selfish he truly was, that life was a story, but he was not the main character it revolves around.  Despite how it is embarrassing to say it, I also am beginning to see that life is not only a story about myself.  There are so many beautiful people here in India.  Their beauty shines through their kindness, faces, laughs, and smiles.  As I am beginning to realize that me being comfortable is not the one main goal in the story, life here is India has started to come alive in beautiful facts and colors.  Things that would make me just want to retreat to my room in frustration, now still make me frustrated but I’m able to turn it into laughs and memories.  People here have become family.

My progress is definitely slow, Oscar the Grouch wouldn’t want to be around me at times here.  I still miss home, friends, and family on a daily basis.  But instead of just focusing on that I need to remind myself how truly lucky I am to even have the opportunity to meet these people, eat these foods, and be fully immersed in a different culture.  I know many of you are praying for me, Mom especially, so thank you for the support and help.

It is crazy to think how low, shut-off, and home sick I was for the first month.  It took being completely separated from my amazing family, friends, and social community to realize how much I really do rely on people.  Despite how independent I may think I am, my family and friends truly do provide so much support that I took for granted until now.

No I AM NOT as STRONG as a thought, but where there are STRUGGLES there is GROWTH.  It just took that far away country called India to help show me that.

-T